Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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