Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
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In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
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FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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