Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
