i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
