youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Boobs speak an international language.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Also, beer. Big fan.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
