I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
