I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
