Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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