dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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