i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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