My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
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It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
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I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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