Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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