I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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