Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
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She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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