Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
one two three fourrrrnication!
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
