My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
