i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
