Your face is a jimmy john
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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