I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
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I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
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FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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