grandma shit on top of the toilet
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
