Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
