i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It's shark week go big or go home
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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