dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
