before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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