matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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