i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
