I skipped work to stalk him.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything