The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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