I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
