im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
