It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
