Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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