I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Randomize
