It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
