my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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