my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Im part way to drunk.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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