I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
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There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
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You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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