Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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