the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
