First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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