You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
