We left an ass print on the piano.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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