in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
