yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
