i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
