I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I could make wine with my vomit
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I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
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the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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