Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
