i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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