look no pants
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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