Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
