If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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