I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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