Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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