@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
