i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You pole danced in your parka.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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