remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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