i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
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Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
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I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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