Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
