I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
